Holiday Survival Guide/Boundary Setting During the Holidays

The holidays are not always as ‘holly jolly’ as pop culture likes to tell us. In fact, for many of us, the holidays can be a source of significant stress. This means that the holidays provide a challenging, yet amazing, opportunity to practice boundary setting. We often feel as if we have to put ourselves in situations where we are triggered or unsafe. This obligation to participate promotes unhealthy coping mechanisms. For example, numbing through substances, aggressive communication, and avoidance.

What are boundaries, anyway?

Let’s start by defining boundaries. They are the limits, rules, and guidelines we set in order to protect ourselves within relationships. They communicate to others how you expect to be treated and how you are willing to engage with them.

We can break boundaries down even further by putting them into categories. These include physical, verbal, emotional, time, and material. Here are some examples of how this might look when it comes to boundary setting during the holiday season.

Physical– “I don’t feel comfortable kissing you on the cheek, but I’d be happy to give you a hug”.

Emotional– “I appreciate that you trust me enough to vent, but I am not in a space to take this on right now. Is there someone else you trust to support you during this time?”

Verbal– “I can’t talk right now because I‘m in the middle of something. Can I give you a call back in an hour?”

Time– “I won’t be able to attend as I’ve already committed to something else that day. Thank you for the invite!”

Material– “I’m happy to lend you my dress, but I will need it back in a week”.

Where do I start?

When defining your own boundaries, here are some helpful questions you may want to ask yourself:

Am I comfortable being touched by others?

Do I let others know when I’m feeling uncomfortable?

Am I comfortable speaking up if I disagree with someone?

What are my values and beliefs?

How do I feel when I am around this person?

What are my priorities at this point in my life?

Do I set aside time for myself to do things that make me feel good?

How can I communicate my time needs with the people in my life?

Do I allow people to disrespect me in conversations?

How would I react if someone were to raise their voice toward me?

Am I able to be honest with others around me?

Has someone ever borrowed something of mine and not returned it? If so, how did that feel?

Are there people I would not allow to borrow my things? Why?

Am I comfortable lending money to others? If so, how much?

Friendly Reminders

• It is not your responsibility to solve other people’s problems

• Others may not agree with you, and that’s okay

• When you set a healthy boundary, it is an act of self-respect and self-care

• Boundaries are gates that you can open and close when you choose to

• It’s okay to hold others accountable for their actions

• Boundaries allow you to participate, but also give you permission to leave if that’s what feels best for you

• Setting boundaries will feel uncomfortable, but they are very valuable

• Boundaries help you align your relationships with your value system

I understand that boundary setting can be difficult, especially around the holidays. I encourage you to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate boundary setting during this holiday season. Remember that just because something is different or scary, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong or bad. You can do hard things and you deserve to celebrate the holidays in a way that feels meaningful to you. Our team understands that the holidays can be a trying time for many. We’re here to support you if you’re not feeling particularly jolly this season.

Sincerely,

A therapist who is also just a human trying their best this holiday season